Signs You Have An Anxious Attachment Style In Relationships
Are you wondering if you might have an anxious attachment style? Curious about the signs, or where it even comes from? You're in the right place - let’s walk through it together!
First, let’s zoom out a bit!
Your attachment style is the way you show up in relationships today - especially when it comes to closeness, vulnerability, and conflict - and it usually begins with how you connected emotionally to your caregivers growing up.
It’s shaped by how your needs were met (or not met), how you were soothed (or not soothed), and how emotionally available or dismissive your caregivers were when you needed support.
And while yes, our genetic wiring plays a role too, our early relationships have a huge impact on the attachment patterns we carry into adulthood.
When you enter romantic relationships - and often even close friendships - your attachment style tends to come out. So if you're reading this and thinking of a best friend instead of a partner? That still counts.
As a therapist who specializes in anxiety, people-pleasing, hyper-vigilance, and relational trauma, the attachment style I see most often is anxious attachment. However, many can also have an anxious AND avoidant style (disorganized) - experiencing the push-pull dynamics from unpredictable and inconsistent caregiving or relational trauma.
Causes Of Anxious Attachment Style, Caregivers Who:
We’re anxious themselves or had mental health challenges that would make it difficult to consistently attend to your needs.
If anxiety was modeled to you constantly, infants absorb it and learn that it’s the norm.
Emotionally were neglectful or often mis-attuned to meeting your needs, which taught you that needs being met was not predictable
Separated from you at a young age - whether you had a parent pass away or leave
Separated or divorced - parents going through a high stress time can impact parenting and what's absorbed
We’re young or inexperienced and struggled to be consistent with how they show up for you
We’re hypercritical and constantly judgemental of you
Overprotective and put you on high alert for something bad happening
With these types of attachments styles or relational trauma endured, it teaches the baby or child that getting your needs met isn't guaranteed or consistent and evokes fear and anxiety.
Now, Here Are Some Signs Of Having An Anxious Attachment Style In Relationships:
Deep fear of abandonment and rejection, that your partner will ultimately leave you or no longer want to be with you
Hypervigilance with the relationship - looking for a threat constantly and trying to come up with red flags or reasons it's not going to work
Hypervigilance with your partner - constantly monitoring their moods, tones, behaviors and how they speak to you to catch if they are mad or thinking of breaking up with you. Being on high alert.
High need for reassurance that your partner still loves you and wants to be with you, but often it still not making you feel certain that things will be okay
High sensitivity to any criticism or feedback
Difficulty with being alone or completely avoiding ever being alone
Needing constant contact and communication, hanging out, and quality time
Feeling insecure about something within the relationship when theres time a part or you haven't heard from them (even if theres a completely appropriate reason, ex: they’re on a work trip)
Challenges with trusting your partner even if they haven’t done anything to break trust
Often being jealous and thinking things are threats even when there is no evidence or sign
Despite your partners behaviors and actions, never fully trusting that they are happy and this will be a long term thing
Needing frequent words of affirmation and validation that your partner is happy, loves you, or won't leave you
Being offended or taking it personally when your partner needs alone time or has their own struggles
Difficulty with setting and respecting boundaries
Low self-esteem, highly self critical, never feeling good enough for a healthy happy relationship
Not being fully in touch with your needs and feelings and avoiding conflict due to fear of how that could impact the relationship
Catastrophizing (jumping to worst case scenario) constantly
Frequent worrying and ruminating about interactions in the relationship
The minute that you sense they are pulling away or withdrawing, even if you know you logically its okay, your body tells you something is wrong and you double down on seeking reassurance
If you are feeling like most or all of these describe you, you may have an anxious attachment style! Although this takes time to work through, I do want to let you know it is 100% changeable over time. It's possible, but it takes work and healing with a therapist. And, I want to share:
That it can be done alone or in a relationship with someone who is supportive and secure in their style. Or at least open to working on their insecure style. There is a myth that you have heal on your own, but that’s not necessarily the case. We are social beings and we need each other! We need mutual attunement and co-regulation.
It takes time and intention, it takes work not only in these friendships and relationships and learning how to better communicate, set and respect boundaries, share about your true feelings and needs - it takes internal deep work on yourself.
It takes building up a better and more trusting relationship with yourself, learning to be more self compassionate, getting to know who you are outside of your relationships and the hardest part - becoming comfortable being alone.
And, lastly and most importantly - it takes learning how to regulate on your own and co-regulation between partners. Before all of the communication styles and tips. You can’t use “I statements” when one of you is dysregulated or activated. You have to learn your triggers and how to regulate your emotions first.
If this speaks to you and you feel ready to work on your anxiety and/or attachment style, I’d be honored to help you along the way!
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety, codependency, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free self love mini workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
I also run an online Women’s Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group. We meet Tuesdays from 4:30-5:45 est and cover topics related to this blog. If you want to learn more on these patterns and how to actually overcome them, if you want to gain the support of others who are struggling with similar challenges, and you want to heal in a community of women - please schedule a free phone consultation to learn more!
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
