Why We Struggle to Be Alone (Even When We Crave Peace)
Do you find yourself doing anything but being alone?
Booking plans back-to-back, calling someone as soon as you're alone with your thoughts, or feeling anxious the moment things quiet down?
You’re definitely not the only one.
In my therapy sessions, this theme comes up constantly. We live in a world (especially in NYC/DC) that doesn’t exactly encourage stillness. But underneath the overstimulation and hustle, there’s something deeper going on:
✨ Most of us weren’t taught how to be with ourselves.
✨ Many of us feel guilty for resting.
✨ And being alone brings up everything we’ve tried to avoid.
Signs You Might Struggle Being Alone
You might resonate with this if you:
Can’t sit still and feel restless or “on edge”
Feel anxious when you're not around others
Always pack your schedule with plans, errands, or socializing
Feel guilty doing “nothing” or resting without being “productive”
Constantly crave stimulation - TV, music, texts, calls, podcasts
Judge yourself when you’re not busy
Feel uncomfortable with silence or stillness
This isn't laziness or lack of discipline. It’s often a protective response, trauma response or attachment wound - rooted in nervous system dysregulation, attachment needs, and learned patterns of self-avoidance.
Why Is It So Hard to Be Alone?
Here are a few trauma-informed reasons you might struggle:
1. You Fear Abandonment
If you grew up in a family system where you had to walk on eggshells or fear disconnection, your system may associate alone time with being unloved or unsafe. You learned to focus on others - not yourself.
"If I’m alone, maybe I’ll be forgotten."
2. You Need Stress & Chaos To Feel Comfortable
If your childhood was chaotic, your nervous system might now crave stimulation. Being still? It feels unfamiliar - maybe even threatening.
That constant “go-go-go” isn’t just a habit - it’s a survival strategy to feel safe and in control.
3. You’re Avoiding Painful Thoughts or Feelings
Alone time can force us to face what we’ve been running from - sadness, anger, fear, grief, or questions we’re not ready to answer.
“If I slow down, it’ll all come rushing in.”
4. You Don’t Know Who You Are Outside of Relationships or Roles
When your identity is built on being the helper, the achiever, a “good” partner, or friend…it’s hard to know what to do when you're just with you.
Alone time requires self-connection, getting to know and be with yourself, and nourishing yourself with self-care. If you don’t know who you are outside of your roles - this may feel challenging to do.
5. You’ve Internalized Productivity = Worth
Maybe you were praised for accomplishments and felt valuable only when you were doing. Now, rest feels...wrong.
“If I’m not doing something, I’m not enough.”
The Impact of Avoiding Alone Time
When we avoid being with ourselves:
We become more disconnected from our needs, emotions, and intuition
Our relationships can often become enmeshed or codependent
We feel more reactive, overwhelmed, and burnt out
We lose clarity on what we actually want - and start living for others
Being alone isn’t just about "me time."
It’s about rebuilding self-trust, reclaiming your inner voice, and regulating your nervous system so you can feel safe in your own presence.
How to Start Being Alone (Without Spiraling)
✨ 1. Start Small
Alone time doesn’t have to mean a solo weekend retreat! Try:
A 10-minute walk without distractions
Journaling with no music or phone
Eating a meal in silence
Build your capacity slowly. It’s a practice - not a marathon.
✨ 2. Reflect on the Why
Ask yourself (or explore with your therapist):
What feels scary about being alone?
What do I fear I’ll feel?
What have I learned about rest, stillness, or “doing nothing”?
Bringing awareness to these beliefs is the first step to shifting them.
✨ 3. Practice Nervous System Soothing
If being alone makes you feel “on edge,” start with grounding:
Deep belly breaths
Placing a hand on your heart or chest
Using a warm cup of tea as an anchor
Gentle movement like stretching or walking
Over time, this helps expand your window of tolerance - so you can actually feel safe slowing down.
✨ 4. Create an Alone-Time Ritual You Look Forward To
Think self-care, but very intentional! Try:
A Friday night ritual of ordering your favorite takeout and watching a show
A Sunday bath, face mask, and journaling session
A quiet hour in nature or a solo coffee date
Reclaim alone time as something nourishing - not punishing.
✨ 5. Turn Off the Noise
Put your phone on Do Not Disturb.
Avoid doom-scrolling.
Resist the urge to FaceTime just to fill space.
Alone time means being with yourself - not just without others.
✨ 6. Get To Know Yourself
Part of this is about getting to know who you are, outside of your relationships. So spend some time journaling, identifying what your values are, what your preferences are, what needs you have. Write out your thoughts and your feelings. Really find out who you are.
Is there a hobby or activity you’ve always wanted to secretly try? Perfect- try it!! Get to know what you love.
You’re Not Lazy - You’re Learning Safety.
If alone time makes you feel restless, guilty, or ashamed - that’s not a personal flaw.
It’s often trauma, nervous system conditioning, and inherited beliefs about productivity or worth.
Healing this starts with:
✨ Small moments of stillness
✨ Self-compassion over self-judgment
✨ Support from a trauma-informed therapist who can help you reconnect with yourself
Final Reminders
You don’t have to earn your rest.
You don’t owe everyone a response right away.
You are allowed to take up space alone.
Just because you “have time” doesn’t mean you owe it to someone else.
Being alone is not a red flag - it’s a sign you’re learning to be whole.
Hope this resonated! If it did, you’re not alone. Many of my clients feel similarly and if you are interested in working on this, I’d be honored to support!
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
