Is It My Intuition or Anxiety? How to Tell the Difference in Relationships
Ever feel something off in a relationship - but then spiral for hours wondering if it’s just your anxiety?
Or when you meet someone and for some reason you kinda feel like something didn’t feel right, yet you end up second-guessing yourself, feeling bad, and then continuing to get to know them?
You’re not alone!
As a trauma therapist who works with anxious women, people-pleasers, and perfectionists with attachment wounds and trauma, this question comes up all the time:
Is this my intuition telling me something’s wrong? Or is it just my anxious attachment, nervous system on high alert, or past trauma getting triggered?
And honestly?
It’s not always easy to tell the difference - especially when your nervous system has lived in survival mode for a long time. AND especially when your anxiety and being overly-attuned to people HAS helped you before.
But learning to distinguish between fear and inner knowing is one of the most powerful parts of trauma healing. In this blog, I’ll break down how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety, how trauma impacts your gut instincts, and how to begin building the self-trust you’ve been needing.
What Even Is Intuition - And Why Do So Many Anxious Women Second-Guess It?
Intuition is a felt sense of knowing - often experienced in the body and the gut before the mind can explain it. It’s not frantic, panicked, urgent, or overthinking. It’s usually calm, clear, and grounded, even if it’s telling you something hard.
But for those with anxiety or trauma, especially relational trauma, that inner compass can feel off. Or fuzzy. Or like it’s constantly swinging between “something’s wrong!” and “I’m just being crazy.”
That’s not because something is wrong with your sense of knowing, it’s because your nervous system has been trained to scan for danger - rightfully so - and sometimes, it gets stuck in overdrive.
How Trauma Disrupt’s Intuition
Let’s say you grew up in a home where emotional instability, gaslighting, or inconsistency were the norm. Maybe love felt unpredictable, or you had to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. Maybe your needs were minimized, or your feelings dismissed.
Over time, your nervous system adapted to keep you safe. It became hypervigilant - constantly scanning for cues of rejection, abandonment, or tension.
In adulthood, this survival wiring often shows up in relationships as:
✨ Overanalyzing every text, tone shift, or pause in communication
✨ Panicking when someone pulls away or feels “off”
✨ Feeling like you need to know where you stand at all times
✨ Doubting your gut because it’s been wrong - or invalidated - before
This is where it gets confusing:
Anxiety feels urgent.
Intuition feels true.
But if you’ve lived in a state of constant emotional alertness, even intuition can feel threatening - because it might be guiding you to make a hard choice, speak a boundary, or walk away. Something you’ve likely rarely done, that’s why it signals unfamiliarity and discomfort. Which can feel unsafe and trigger anxiety.
Nervous System Dysregulation Makes It Hard To Listen To Your Gut
When you’ve lived in survival mode for a long time, it’s hard to hear the messages your body is trying to send.
That’s because a chronically dysregulated nervous system makes it difficult to access your body’s natural cues - including your intuition.
If your nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, your body isn’t focused on nuanced signals like “something feels a little off” or “this person doesn’t feel safe.” It’s focused on staying alive.
This is why so many trauma survivors feel disconnected from themselves. You may struggle to:
Identify hunger or fullness
Notice when you’re tired
Know when you need space vs connection
Trust your gut around people or situations
But the good news is: this can change.
As you begin learning somatic tools and working to regulate your nervous system, you start to reconnect with your body in a safe way. You begin noticing sensations like tightness in your chest, warmth in your belly, a lump in your throat - noticing them without panicking or spiraling.
And with time, those sensations start to become information - not just overwhelm.
You begin to differentiate: This is anxiety. This is avoidance. This is intuition.
You start to trust your body again.
That’s why I integrate somatic work into therapy - because insight alone isn’t enough! You have to feel safe in your body to access your inner knowing.
Intuition vs Anxiety: Key Differences to Help You Tell
So, how do you actually tell the difference? Here’s a breakdown I use with my clients:
Intuition…
Calm but firm
Comes from the body
Doesn’t loop or obsess
Feels grounded, even when it’s hard
Comes and goes
Guides you toward truth or aligned action
Is often immediate - before you realize what it’s telling you
Anxiety…
Frantic, loud, or panicked
Comes from racing thoughts
Feels urgent
Spirals and catastrophizes
Feels overwhelming and fear-driven
Lingers, nags, or escalates
Demands reassurance or urges avoidance
Why Your Nervous System Might Confuse the Two
If you’re in a trauma response - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn - your body is reacting to a perceived threat, even if one isn’t actually there.
So even if your partner just needed space to decompress or took a little longer to reply, your nervous system might interpret that as danger. Suddenly you’re spiraling:
Did I say something wrong? Are they pulling away? What if they’re losing interest? Should I say something? Should I pretend I don’t care?
That’s not intuition.
That’s your nervous system trying to protect you from abandonment.
When we don’t feel secure - either in the relationship or within ourselves - intuition gets taken over by fear. So part of the work is learning how to regulate your body before trying to “figure it out.”
Here’s How to Start Rebuilding Trust in Yourself To Align With Your Intuition
Pause Before Acting
If a wave of anxiety hits, don’t respond right away. Breathe, wait, and regulate. Ask: What state am I in right now - panic, freeze, fawn?Drop Into the Body
Your intuition speaks through sensation so do a body scan! Ask: Where am I holding tension or discomfort in my body? Does this feel like fear - or truth?Journal the Spiral
Write out your anxious thoughts. Then ask yourself:
What’s the fear here?
What evidence supports it?
What might my younger self be reacting to?
What would my most grounded wise self say?
Regulate, Then Reassess
Move your body, use cold water, breathe deeply, go outside. Come back to the situation after you’ve settled - and see if it still feels the same.Notice the Repetition
Is this a pattern in your relationships? Are the fears familiar? Often, we’re reacting to a past wound playing out again - not the actual present moment. The more of a pattern, the more likely it’s anxiety.
What This Might Look Like in Therapy
In my practice as an anxiety therapist in NYC, DC, NJ, and MD, with somatic and trauma-informed approaches, I help clients untangle these threads all the time!
Sometimes it’s about working through childhood patterns that taught them not to trust themselves. Sometimes it’s about unpacking a past relationship where gaslighting or inconsistency overode their sense of reality and intuition. Often, it’s about learning how to recognize their attachment style and how it plays out in dating, love, friendship, and intimacy.
And almost always - our work involves coming back to the body. Because your mind can tell a million stories. But your body? It remembers what safety feels like!
So Back To The Question…Is It Intuition or Anxiety?
Here’s the honest answer:
If you’re in a dysregulated state, it’s probably not pure intuition.
If you feel grounded, open, and calm - even when something feels “off” - that’s likely your inner knowing. As scary as it what it may be trying to tell you.
The more you practice noticing your body, regulating your nervous system, and reflecting before reacting…the easier it becomes to tell the difference.
You can learn to trust yourself again. You can feel more secure in love.
You can have relationships that feel safe, not just familiar.
And if you're ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start building the kind of self-trust that changes everything - therapy can help!
Keep listening to yourself, keep connecting with your body, and be kind to yourself while you are figuring out the difference of the two! It’s tricky.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m an anxiety & trauma therapist specializing in holistic, somatic, and EMDR approaches for women navigating:
High functioning codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism
Anxiety, burn out, self-doubt and nervous system dysregulation
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
