Why Perfectionism Isn’t a Personality Trait - It’s a Protective Pattern

Jun 19

If you’re constantly pushing yourself to do more, be better, or never mess up - you’re not alone.
So many women I work with struggle with perfectionism and high-functioning anxiety, but most don’t call it that. Instead, they say things like:

✨ “I just have high standards.”
✨ “If I let go of control for even a second, everything will fall apart.”
✨ “I feel guilty when I rest.”

Sound familiar?
Let’s talk about what perfectionism really is, where it comes from, and how trauma-informed holistic therapy can help you move
from pressure to peace.

What Is Perfectionism - Really?

Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things to be neat, organized, or even perfect.
It’s about feeling like your worth depends on getting it right.

You might be struggling with perfectionism if you:

Constantly overthink or second-guess your decisions
Procrastinate because you’re afraid it won’t be good enough
Feel ashamed when you make a mistake
Only feel valuable when you're achieving or performing
Have a harsh inner critic that never seems satisfied
Have relentless high expectations of yourself that don’t stop because it’s never enough
Struggle to rest or relax without guilt
Never feel like what you do and achieve, who you are, and what your value is… is enough
Deep feelings of inadequacy, defectiveness, and internalized shame

Perfectionism often hides under the surface of high-functioning anxiety because it’s socially rewarded. You look responsible, successful, and “on top of it all” - but internally, you’re overwhelmed, one edge constantly, and terrified of dropping the ball. It’s not that you're thriving - it’s that you're surviving by staying two steps ahead of the next perceived failure.
On the outside, you look put-together. Inside, you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, and stuck in survival mode.

Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

Perfectionism is often a protective adaptation - not a personality flaw.

Many of us developed these patterns in environments where love, safety, or approval felt conditional.
Maybe you grew up with:

Emotional neglect or inconsistent caregivers
High expectations with little emotional support
Criticism, comparison, or pressure to “be good”
Chaotic or unpredictable dynamics where being perfect was a way to stay in control
Caregivers who modeled this behavior and put pressure on you to always achieve and accomplish more

Striving for perfection was a way to feel safe, accepted, or worthy.

Perfectionism often takes root in internalized shame - the belief that you’re not good enough as you are. So you try to earn worthiness through achievement, people-pleasing, and doing everything “right.”

Now as adults, those same patterns can leave us feeling anxious, disconnected, and burned out.

What Is Perfectionism Therapy?

Perfectionism therapy focuses on healing the root - not just managing the symptoms.

In our work together, we’ll explore:

Why perfectionism developed as a way to cope or stay safe
What perfectionism is protecting you from (like shame, rejection, or failure)
How to soften your inner critic and bring in more self-compassion
Somatic and nervous system tools to regulate the anxiety underneath perfectionism
Mindfulness-based practices to help you live more intentionally, not reactively

This is not about “lowering your standards.” It’s about loosening the grip of perfectionism so you can feel more free, rested, and connected to yourself.

Healing from Perfectionism Starts with Self-Compassion

You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to perform to be enough. You genuinely are inherently worthy, adequate, and enough for who you are. You have inherent value regardless of what you achieve and you deserve to feel this way too!

In therapy, we’ll untangle these beliefs gently - at your pace - and help you build a more grounded, authentic relationship with yourself.
One that isn’t built on fear, pressure, or self-abandonment.

What helps are tools like:

✨ Mindful self-compassion practices - so you can learn to speak to yourself the way you would a close friend, especially when you’re struggling or not meeting your own expectations. Learn more about this practice here.

✨ Somatic awareness techniques - to help you notice how perfectionism lives in your body (like tension, tightness, or urgency) and learn how to soften it with grounding, breathwork, and body-based regulation. Learn more about mind-body connection here.

✨ Parts work and inner child healing - to identify the part of you that feels like she has to be perfect to be safe, and offer her the compassion, care, and repair she never got.

✨ Cognitive restructuring - to gently question black-and-white thinking and reframe beliefs like “If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure” into something more balanced and kind.

✨ Nervous system education - to help you understand the fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses that often underlie perfectionism, and teach your body that it’s safe to slow down. Learn more about this approach here.

Because again, perfectionism was never about being perfect.
It was about trying to feel safe, seen, and enough - and you already inherently are.

Ready to begin healing from perfectionism and high-functioning anxiety?

You don’t have to keep pushing through, second-guessing yourself, or performing to feel worthy.
If you’re ready to feel more grounded, connected, and compassionate with yourself, I’d love to support you!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from high functioning anxiety, perfectionism, relational trauma, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.

✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free self love mini workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.

I also run an online Women’s Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group. We meet Tuesdays from 4:30-5:45 est and cover topics related to this blog. If you want to learn more on these patterns and how to actually overcome them, if you want to gain the support of others who are struggling with similar challenges, and you want to heal in a community of women - please schedule a free phone consultation to learn more!

Disclaimer

This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.