Where Does Anger Come From? Understanding Anger in People-Pleasers, Trauma Survivors, and Sensitive Nervous Systems
We don’t talk enough about the quiet rage living underneath “being fine.”
The person who never raises their voice, never wants to be a burden, always puts others first - often has the most unprocessed and ignored anger.
They likely just don’t know it yet. Or they believe they are just “not angry.” That’s actually typically my sign that a client has a lot of suppressed anger - when they tell me they never have or experience anger. Or “I’m just not an angry person.”
This is usually because many of us didn’t grow up learning that anger is a healthy emotion. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser, perfectionist, or someone who experienced childhood trauma, there’s a high chance that your anger got shut down early on. OR that it was so explosive and impactful in the home, that you see anger as “bad” and want nothing to do with it now.
So let’s talk about it! Anger is HEALTHY! And I’ll explain why. Let’s also talk about where anger comes from, what it’s trying to say, how it impacts your body, and why releasing it - safely - is one of the most healing things you can do.
Where Does Anger Come From?
Anger is a response - not a flaw or a trait. It’s a message trying to protect you.
It shows up when:
Your boundaries are crossed
Your needs are dismissed
You feel something is unjust or unfair
You feel powerless, betrayed, disrespected, or misunderstood
You’re holding onto deep grief, shame, sadness, or fear - and it has nowhere to go
If you didn’t learn how to safely feel, express, or make sense of your anger growing up, you likely either suppress it (turning it inward) or explode (turning it outward). Neither is "bad" - they're protective responses from a nervous system trying to stay safe.
For People-Pleasers, Anger Often Becomes Invisible
If you identify as someone who avoids conflict, over-apologizes, fears being too much, or shuts down to keep the peace - your anger might be buried.
But that doesn’t mean it’s gone or never existed.
It just turns into:
✨ Anxiety
✨ Passive-aggression
✨ Bitterness and burnout
✨ Tension in the body
✨ Resentment masked as politeness
✨ A deep feeling of “I don’t even know what I need anymore”
✨ OR - anger turned inward: like shame and self-blame
You might say, “I’m not angry,” but feel exhausted, annoyed, overwhelmed, or like you’re on the verge of snapping - which btw is anger. Often just anger in disguise. Hate to break it to you! And if this is triggering…it’s okay. A reminder: anger is not bad or unhealthy - just what you do with it can be.
How Anger Lives in the Body
Anger is physical. It’s not just a mental experience - your body feels it first.
And even moreso because when you suppress it, it doesn’t disappear. It stores, it builds, and it comes out in other ways.
It often shows up as:
Tension in your jaw, shoulders, or chest
Digestive issues or IBS symptoms
Chronic fatigue or sleep disruptions
Migraines or inflammation
That wired-tired, exhausted restless yet struggling to calm down or rest feeling at the end of the day
Your nervous system remembers what your mind tries to forget. And when anger has nowhere to go, your body becomes its container.
This is why trauma-informed, somatic therapy is so essential - we need to release anger through the body, not just talk about it.
When Anger Is Healthy vs. When It Becomes Unhealthy
Healthy anger is:
Grounded and informative - a message for you
A clear signal that something matters - a protector
Connected to your boundaries, values, needs, or uncomfortable emotions
Temporary and processed safely after naming and releasing it
Unhealthy anger is:
Suppressed until it leaks out as resentment or jabs
Explosive and punishing toward others (or yourself)
Used as a shield to avoid vulnerability or pain
Anger becomes unhealthy when it’s either never allowed… or never regulated.
Signs You May Have Unprocessed Anger
Even if you don’t identify as “angry,” you might notice:
You feel overwhelmed or overstimulated easily
You overreact to small things or feel quick to snap
You say “yes” then immediately feel bitter or regretful
You replay conversations in your head, feeling misunderstood
You “punish” others (or yourself) with silence or withdrawal
You feel deep shame or guilt when you try to speak up
You make backhanded jabs or disguise truth as a “joke”
You feel like nobody gets you or is attuned to you
These are all signs your body is holding unexpressed anger
How to Work With Your Anger (Instead of Against It)
✨Step 1: Pause and Notice
What’s happening in your body? Are you clenching your jaw? Holding your breath? Is your chest tight or stomach in knots?
✨Step 2: Name it
Allow yourself to call it anger! Say it - I am feeling angry right now. This is deeply validating.
✨Step 3: Get Curious
What value, boundary, or need feels dismissed? Is something unjust to me? Is this familiar? What’s underneath the anger - sadness, shame, hurt? What is the message it’s trying to tell me?
✨Step 4: Regulate
Move your body. Shake it out. Take 5 deep breaths enlongating the exhale out. Splash cold water on your face. Ground into the present. You can’t process your anger if you’re in survival mode.
✨Step 5: Clarify Your Needs
Do you need to set a boundary? Take space? Be witnessed and validated? Not all anger needs a confrontation, but it always deserves attention.
✨Step 6: Express It Respectfully
Use "I" statements, be clear and firm, and speak with compassion. Rage letters you never send are also incredibly therapeutic.
Why Releasing Anger Is Essential for Healing
Holding onto anger - whether buried or boiling - isn’t sustainable. It keeps you disconnected from your needs, your body, and your authentic self. It also perpetuates patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and internalized shame.
You don’t need to fear your anger. You just need to learn how to hear it, feel it, and honor it without hurting yourself or others.
Because anger isn’t the problem. It’s the messenger. When we listen to it… we heal. It’s what we do with it that counts! Give yourself the gift of letting it out, in a healthy way, and watch your relationships change for the better. Including the one with yourself.
Want to explore where your anger comes from and how to release it? I would be honored to support!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a relational trauma therapist specializing in holistic, somatic, and EMDR approaches for women navigating:
High functioning codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism
Anxiety, burn out, self-doubt and nervous system dysregulation
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
