What Is The Difference Between Shame And Guilt? (Plus How To Overcome Shame & Unhelpful Guilt)
Two of the most common emotions I see with survivors of trauma, people-pleasers, perfectionists, codependents, and those struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem are shame and guilt. These feelings can be all-consuming, visceral, and deeply impact your mental health.
Today, I’m breaking down the difference between shame and guilt — and how to start overcoming the patterns that keep you stuck.
First: Healthy Guilt (Yes, It Exists)
Before we dive into the heavy stuff, I want to make a clear distinction:
There is such a thing as healthy guilt — and in rare cases, a sliver of healthy shame.
But that’s not what this blog is about.
Healthy guilt happens when you’ve genuinely acted out of alignment with your values or morals.
For example:
➔ If you lied to a close friend — and you deeply value honesty — feeling guilty afterward is normal and appropriate.
That kind of guilt motivates you to take action: to apologize, make repairs, and realign with who you want to be.
Healthy shame, while rare, can sometimes show up if you've behaved in a way that's completely out of character or harmful. A small amount of appropriate shame may push you to seek support, accountability, or growth.
What We're Focusing On: Unhelpful Guilt and Shame
The rest of this blog is about unhelpful guilt and toxic shame — the kind that sticks, spirals, and chips away at your well-being.
Unhelpful Guilt: Feeling Bad for Things That Aren't Wrong
Unhelpful guilt is when you feel guilty even though you haven’t actually done anything wrong.
It often comes from believing you’ve let someone down, failed to meet unrealistic expectations, or broken your own internalized "rules" — rules that were probably never fair to begin with.
Examples of unhelpful guilt:
Setting a healthy boundary and feeling “mean” for it
Saying no to something you don’t have capacity for and spiraling afterward
Forgetting a commitment (like a friend's birthday) and feeling anxious and self-critical for days
People-pleasers especially experience guilt when they:
Speak up honestly
Prioritize their own needs
Say no
Don’t live up to the internalized role of "the helper" or "the easy one"
Guilt is very behavior-driven:
➔ “I did something wrong.”
➔ Even when you didn’t.
It’s often visceral too — showing up as anxiety, discomfort in the stomach, tension in the body, pits of dread, or restlessness.
Shame: Believing There’s Something Wrong With You, Not Just Your Behavior
Shame is deeper — and heavier.
It’s not about something you did. It’s about who you believe you are.
Shame says: ➔ “I am bad.”
➔ “I am unworthy.”
➔ “There’s something wrong with me.”
➔ “I am undeserving of love or good things.”
It’s tied to a deep-rooted feeling of being fundamentally flawed, undeserving, inadequate, or broken.
It often stems from early relational wounds — trauma, emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving — where you learned that being yourself wasn't enough or wasn't safe.
Common signs of shame:
Harsh inner critic
Deep embarrassment
Self-hatred or self-loathing
Chronic low self-esteem
Feeling alone even when surrounded by people
Trauma survivors often carry shame for things that were never their fault.
Shame isn’t logical — it’s emotional and deeply wired into your nervous system.
In the body, shame can feel like:
A sinking sensation in the chest
Tightness in the throat
A slumping posture
A desire to hide or disappear
How to Tell if It’s Guilt or Shame
Questions to ask yourself:
Is this about something I did? (Guilt)
Or is this about who I believe I am? (Shame)
Tune into your body:
Guilt often feels anxious, restless, stomach-driven.
Shame often feels heavy, collapsed, chest- or throat-driven.
Tips to Overcome Shame and Unhelpful Guilt
1. Label it.
Notice and name the emotion: guilt or shame?
2. Locate it in your body.
Awareness builds regulation.
3. Explore the belief underneath.
What expectation do you feel you’re not meeting? Or what do you believe about yourself?
Is it fair? Is it yours?
4. Journal it out.
Write down the feeling, the trigger, and challenge the story you're telling yourself.
5. Practice mindfulness.
Allow yourself to sit with the emotion, even briefly, without judgment.
Ask: “What is this trying to tell me?”
6. Move your body.
➔ For guilt: Try walking, the gym, a more energetic release, calling a loved one.
➔ For shame: Try slow stretching, yoga, or 5-senses grounding exercises.
7. Practice self-compassion.
Place a hand on your heart and offer yourself words like:
“I am human.”
“I am allowed to take up space.”
“I can make mistakes and still be worthy.”
“I am enough.”
8. Seek support.
If shame or guilt are showing up chronically, it’s a sign it’s time to work through it — not carry it alone.
The more you share, process, and feel - the more shame dies. Shame thrives in isolation and avoidance.
Therapy can help you heal the root and rebuild a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Final Thoughts
Feeling guilt or shame once in a while is part of being human.
But when they become chronic, toxic, and unprocessed, they can shape how you see yourself and how you show up in the world.
You deserve more than carrying shame and guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
You will get through this!
