7 Tips For Setting And Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out - they’re about keeping you in.

Let’s be honest: “boundaries” have become a buzzword lately. But most people aren’t taught what they really are - or how to set and keep them without spiraling into guilt, fear, or self-doubt.

If you're a recovering people-pleaser, have a history of relational trauma, or struggle with anxiety, boundaries might feel unfamiliar… or even selfish.

But here’s the truth:
Setting boundaries is not an act of rejection - it’s an act of self-respect.
It’s how we protect our peace, honor our values, and show up authentically in our relationships.

What Are Boundaries, Actually?

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our time, energy, emotions, space, and values. They help us define what we’re available for - and what we’re not.

They’re not walls.
They’re not ultimatums.
They’re bridges - ways to show up fully without shrinking, overextending, or disconnecting from your needs.

Think of boundaries as a guidepost for where you end and someone else begins.

✨ Boundaries create clarity, not conflict.
✨ They deepen connection by allowing more honesty and safety.
✨ They’re a radical act of self-trust -especially if you’ve never been taught how to have them.

Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard to Set?

If boundaries feel unnatural or terrifying, there’s a reason.
You might’ve grown up in chaos, enmeshment, conditional love, or emotionally reactive households where needs = conflict. So it makes sense if your nervous system goes into overdrive at the thought of saying no.

Common reasons boundaries feel hard:

• You were trained to attune to others before yourself

• Love felt earned through helpfulness, silence, or self-abandonment

• Boundaries were never modeled

• Guilt or shame is triggered when others are uncomfortable

• You fear rejection, conflict, or being seen as “too much” or “difficult”

But the truth?
Boundaries are the antidote to self-abandonment. I always remind my clients (and my self tbh) that they are act of love - love for the relationship AND yourself.

7 Tips for Setting and Maintaining Boundaries:

1. Get clear before you speak.

Think about what you want to say ahead of time. You don’t need a full script, but rehearsing or writing it out helps reduce anxiety. Practice with a therapist or say it out loud to yourself first. You’re allowed to take up space - even if your voice shakes.

2. Use “I” statements. Keep it short, clear, and kind. 

Try:
-“I’m not available for that tonight.”
-“I care about you and also need some space.”
- “I feel uncomfortable when this comes up - please don’t bring it up again.”

Avoid over-explaining, apologizing, or softening your truth. If it helps, take a mindful pause or breath before responding.

3. Have a plan for your nervous system.

Boundary setting is vulnerable - especially if it's new. After setting one, take care of yourself. Go for a walk, breathe, put your phone away, journal, or watch something light. This helps you regulate instead of ruminate.

4. Know what follow-through looks like.

A boundary isn’t just what you say - it’s what you uphold.
If you say you’ll leave the conversation if it crosses a line, honor that.
Following through builds self-trust - and shows others that you mean what you say.

5. Have a consequence, if needed.

If someone repeatedly ignores a boundary, it’s okay to add a loving but firm consequence.
- “If this continues, I’ll leave the room.”
- “If this keeps happening, I’ll need to take some space from our conversations.”

Not every crossed boundary means the end of a relationship - but it might mean redefining your closeness.

6. Pay attention to how people respond.

If someone respects your boundaries, great. If they push back or make you feel guilty, that’s information. Often, those who resist your boundaries are benefiting from you not having any.

You can love someone and acknowledge that their behavior isn’t respectful.

7. Boundaries take TIME and are a PRACTICE!

It’s okay if this feels messy at first. It’s okay if you wobble, feel guilty, or even backtrack. That’s part of learning.
The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

You’re not selfish for having limits.
You’re not “too much.”
You’re allowed to take care of yourself. In fact- you should! And your loved ones will want you to.

BONUS: Boundaries With Yourself

Yes, you can (and should) have boundaries with yourself, too.
That might sound like:

• “I don’t check work emails after 6pm.”

• “I’m leaving this party by 10pm, even if I feel FOMO.”

• “I’m not going to say yes out of guilt.”

Every time you honor a boundary with yourself, you’re telling your nervous system:
✨ “I can trust myself.”

What If Someone Doesn’t Respect My Boundaries?

They might not! You don’t need to convince them to understand.
You’re allowed to have boundaries even when someone doesn't agree with them.

If someone continually crosses your limits:

• Reassert your boundary clearly

• Follow through with consequences

• Protect your peace

• Grieve if needed - especially with family, where this can feel hardest

Boundaries aren’t about changing others. They’re about taking care of you.

Lastly - Tolerating The Discomfort Of Disappointing Others

You can be a kind, loving, thoughtful person and still disappoint people sometimes. That doesn’t make you wrong. That doesn’t make you selfish. That makes you human.

And, healthy relationships WILL require it. You just have to teach our nervous system that disappoint others does not equal loss of connection or threat.

Your job isn’t to manage everyone else’s reactions though - it’s to stay rooted in what’s true for you.
Discomfort doesn’t mean danger. It often just means growth.
And the more you practice holding your own boundaries with compassion, the more you’ll realize: you don’t have to abandon yourself to be loved.

Final Reminder

You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to protect your peace (with flexibility and nuance, not rigidity)
You are allowed to set boundaries -
Even if it feels uncomfortable.
Even if you’ve never done it before.

Boundaries aren’t the end of love - they’re the beginning of safe, honest connection. You’ve got this!!

If you're working on setting boundaries, navigating guilt, or rebuilding self-trust, I’d be honored to support you :)

About The Author

Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.

✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free self love mini workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.

I also run an online Women’s Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group. We meet Tuesdays from 4:30-5:45 est and cover topics related to this blog. If you want to learn more on these patterns and how to actually overcome them, if you want to gain the support of others who are struggling with similar challenges, and you want to heal in a community of women - please schedule a free phone consultation to learn more!

Disclaimer

This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.