We know the fight-flight-freeze-response, but what is the fawn response?
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn: The Stress & Survival Responses So Many Are Living In
Most people have heard of fight, flight, or freeze when it comes to stress and trauma.
But there’s a fourth trauma and stress response that often goes unnamed - even though many people, especially women, are living inside it every day.
Fawning.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t, over-explaining to keep the peace, or abandoning your own needs to avoid disappointing someone else, this isn’t a personality quirk or something that is wrong with you.
These are survival responses.
And once you see it through that lens, so much starts to make sense!
A Quick Refresh: Fight, Flight, and Freeze
The fight, flight, or freeze response is your body’s built-in fear system. It lives in your nervous system and exists for one reason only: to keep you alive.
This system has been with us throughout human history. Long ago, if a tiger was chasing you, your nervous system would instantly take over.
You might:
run faster than you ever thought possible (flight),
freeze and play dead (freeze),
or fight back if escape wasn’t an option (fight).
Even witnessing something overwhelming or traumatic can activate this system. Your body might numb out, dissociate, or shut down emotionally just to survive the moment.
All of these responses are driven by the sympathetic nervous system. Adrenaline surges. Alertness increases. Your body does whatever it needs to do to protect you.
Without this system, traumatic or overwhelming experiences could completely overwhelm the body and mind.
If you want to learn a little more on this in depth - check out my window of tolerance blog for a deep dive.
When the Threat Is Gone - But the Body Doesn’t Know It
The challenge with trauma isn’t the response itself.
It’s what happens after.
When trauma isn’t processed, your nervous system may stay stuck in fight, flight, or freeze - even when you’re actually safe.
Your body doesn’t realize the danger has passed.
Instead, it keeps scanning for threats based on old experiences. You might feel constantly on edge, anxious, hyper-alert, or like you’re waiting for something bad to happen.
Or you might experience the opposite:
emotional numbness
detachment
feeling shut down or disconnected
Both are protective strategies. Your nervous system is trying to keep you safe from danger that isn’t actually happening anymore.
The Fawn Response: When Safety Comes From Appeasing Others
Now let’s talk about the trauma response that doesn’t get nearly enough attention!
Fawning.
The fawn response happens when your nervous system learns that the safest way to survive is by appeasing the threat - keeping others happy, calm, or regulated so you can stay safe.
Instead of fighting, fleeing, or freezing, you adapt yourself.
This might look like:
people-pleasing and saying yes when you mean no
over-apologizing or over-explaining to smooth things over
submitting to what others want while neglecting your own needs
taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
Fawning was (and sometimes still is) a powerful survival strategy.
For many people, it developed in childhood or early relationships where safety depended on keeping someone else stable, pleased, or unprovoked.
Over time, it becomes automatic.
You abandon yourself to protect the relationship.
Signs of the fawn response:
Fawning isn’t always obvious. In fact, it often hides behind being “nice,” “easygoing,” or “low-maintenance.”
People pleasing and saying yes when you mean no
Doing anything to “keep the peace” even at your own expense
Feeling afraid to express your needs or preferences
Minimizing your feelings or pain because it feels dangerous to speak up
Rushing to reassure or comfort someone who hurt you
Mirroring other peoples opinions or personalities to be accepted
Extreme anxiety or guilt around boundary-setting
Feeling shakey, numb, or frozen when you try to advocate for yourself
Constant apologizing or over-explaining yourself - especially when it’s not even your fault
Taking blame to prevent conflict or escalation
Praising and complimenting other people, even if you don't mean it to keep yourself safe and them happy
Over-extending yourself and feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Intense shame when you can’t meet someone else’s expectations
Smiling, laughing, or pretending you’re okay when you’re not
Changing who you are to stay safe or liked
Trying to predict other people's feelings, monitoring their moods and anticipate their needs (hypervigilance)
Discomfort when you receive care or attention
If this list hits close to home, you’re not broken. You adapted!
Fawning, People-Pleasing, and Codependency
If these patterns sound familiar, that’s because they closely overlap with people-pleasing, self abandonment, & codependent behaviors.
Many people with high-functioning codependency or people pleasing patterns are operating from a fawn response - constantly prioritizing connection over self-protection.
And, all what we are talking about can also (but certainly not always) a sign of complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and can deeply impact self-worth, identity, and boundaries.
Important distinction:
Fawning involves people-pleasing, but not all people-pleasing is fawning. Fawning is specifically driven by a sense of threat or danger, even if that threat is emotional or relational.
What Causes the Fawn Response?
Fawning doesn’t come out of nowhere. It develops in environments where being yourself didn’t always feel safe.
Common root causes include:
Childhood trauma or abuse - emotional volatility, abuse, or neglectful caregivers taught you that appeasing others was safer than expressing yourself.
Emotional neglect, invalidation, or gaslighting- expressing your needs or feelings led to punishment, rejection, or being ignored/silent treatment
Living with someone unpredictable - living with someone who struggled with anger, addiction, narcissism, or mental health issues required constant monitoring to keep the high emotions or conflict down
Attachment trauma - early attachment wounds (inconsistent or unsafe caregiving) may have taught you that being yourself isn’t safe so you match the other person to keep the connection
Controlling or unsafe relationships - disagreement or autonomy led to conflict, escalation, or withdrawal.
In these environments, fawning wasn’t weakness, it was genuinely the way to protect yourself and keep you and others safe. So it did do its job, now you just have to unlearn it through internal safety.
That is me! Now what do I do?
Awareness is the first step - and it’s a big one.
If fawning is your primary trauma response, healing isn’t about forcing yourself to be more assertive overnight. It’s about creating safety in your body first.
Some gentle starting points:
Address it in therapy! Talk about it, name it, and start working on healing these responses. Awareness is always key so the insight that this is something you do is a huge step. Make sure you're working on it with someone trauma-informed.
Begin identifying what your needs, wants, values, and opinions even are - you likely aren’t sure what is yours and what’s from others
Learn what healthy boundaries are and how to set/maintain them effectively, with shifting your relationship to guilt
Practice saying no and having a plan immediately after to soothe yourself & tolerate the distress
Practice regular self care, getting used to taking care of yourself and attending to your needs
Journal and practice mindfulness skills - breathwork, grounding, yoga, meditation, writing - outlets to keep you connected to yourself
Reach out to your support system, you do deserve to receive help and asking for it may feel hard but it's important and brave. Begin sharing when you are not okay and letting people support you
Cultivate Self-compassion. It takes time to unlearn and shift these patterns, so give yourself compassion for having to fawn to protect yourself and in the present too. If you backtrack, that's okay. It takes time!
If fawning is deeply ingrained, trauma-focused therapies like EMDR, somatic work, or parts work-based approaches can be especially helpful.
Healing happens not just through insight, but through helping your nervous system learn that it’s safe to take up space now.
You do deserve to take up space!!
Fawning kept you safe when you needed it.
But you don’t have to live there forever.
With support, awareness, and compassion, you can learn to stay connected without disappearing yourself.
You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to exist fully - not just in service of others.
About The Author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety, codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, attachment focused therapy, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, to download a free mini nervous system workbook, journal prompts, mental health tips, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
✨ I also run 3 support groups - Womens Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group, the Codependency, Anxiety, & Healthy Relationships Support Group, and a Therapist Support & Consultation Group.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
