What Is a Window of Tolerance (And How to Find Yours)
Have you ever wondered why some days you feel grounded and calm, while other days the smallest stressor sends you spiraling into panic or shutting down completely? This isn’t just about “having a bad day.” It’s about your nervous system.
In somatic and trauma therapy, we call this your window of tolerance. And understanding yours can be one of the most life-changing parts of regulating and healing.
What Is the Window of Tolerance?
The term “window of tolerance,” first coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, refers to the optimal zone of arousal where you can handle life’s stressors without becoming overwhelmed. Where you can function, think most clearly, and make effective choices.
✨ When you’re inside your window, you feel present, balanced, and regulated. You can think clearly, manage emotions, and respond to challenges. You are your most authentic, grounded self and can connect well with others.
✨ When you’re outside your window, your nervous system tips into either hyperarousal (fight/flight) or hypoarousal (freeze/shut down). This is when you feel triggered, activated, dysregulated, and like everything is just too much.
What It Feels Like to Be Inside Your Window
When you’re within your window of tolerance, you may notice:
A sense of calm in your body
The ability to stay present in conversations
Feeling your emotions without being ruled by them
Flexibility and resilience when challenges come up
It doesn’t mean you’re stress-free - it means your nervous system can handle what’s happening without losing safety or balance.
Signs You’re Outside Your Window of Tolerance
Hyperarousal (Fight/Flight Mode):
Racing thoughts
Anxiety or panic
Anger, irritability, or feeling “on edge”
Trouble sleeping or relaxing
Always scanning for danger (hypervigilance)
Rumination and obsessive thinking
Hypoarousal (Freeze/Shutdown Mode):
Feeling numb or disconnected
Struggling to concentrate
Exhaustion, low motivation
Going through the motions without really feeling present
Depression or “I don’t care” mode
Many trauma survivors swing between these states - constantly cycling between high stress and collapse - without realizing what’s happening.
Fawn Response
In original window of tolerance education and handouts, there is a missing link that I want to acknowledge! The fawn response - which you can learn all about here.
Fawning, is a MIX of both hyper and hypo-arousal. It is when you find yourself people pleasing, self-abandoning, and minimizing your distress to keep the peace, minimize danger, and basically keep yourself safe.
Signs you are beginning to fawn:
Panic
Disconnection
Smiling and pretending things are okay
Saying yes to everything
Feeling massive discomfort or distress when things are escalating
Avoiding and minimizing your feelings and needs
How Trauma Shrinks the Window of Tolerance
For people with relational trauma, attachment wounds, or chronic stress, the window of tolerance often feels narrow.
This means even small triggers can push you into overwhelm. You might find yourself:
Snapping at loved ones for minor things
Shutting down when someone gives you feedback
Feeling unsafe even when you know logically you’re safe
Avoiding situations that might cause stress, because you fear you won’t be able to handle it
It’s not a flaw in you. It’s your nervous system doing what it learned long ago: protect at all costs. Trauma survivors sometimes report feeling like they are in survival mode and outside of the window constantly.
Thats why in trauma therapy, we need to look at your specific window and build up the insight into what triggers you, how you experience hyper and hypo arousal, and develop the tools to self-regulate.
Over time these skills not only help you get back into the window, but widen it over time.
Expanding Your Window of Tolerance
Luckily with practice, you can expand your window! Trauma therapy, somatic therapy, and EMDR helps you gradually teach your nervous system that it’s safe to feel more and handle more - without going into survival mode.
Here are a few ways we work on this in therapy:
✨ Grounding skills → breathwork, orienting to your environment, mindfulness of your five senses
✨ Somatic work → noticing sensations in the body and gently shifting them
✨ Mindful self-compassion → creating safety inside by meeting yourself with kindness instead of judgment
✨ EMDR therapy → helping your brain and body reprocess painful experiences so they no longer overwhelm you
✨ Safe connection → healing through relationships where your nervous system learns it doesn’t have to stay on guard
A Gentle Reminder
Your window of tolerance isn’t supposed to be perfect or wide open all the time. Everyone’s window shrinks when they’re stressed, tired, or overwhelmed. You’re also not going to be calm 24-7 - that’s not realistic. The work of healing is about noticing where you are, learning what brings you back inside your window, and slowly expanding it so life feels less like survival and more like living.
If This Resonates With You
If you see yourself in these patterns - swinging between overwhelm and shutdown, struggling to feel safe or steady - you’re not alone. This is the work I do every day with clients in my therapy practice!
Together, we can help you:
Understand your nervous system
Reconnect to your body
Build tools to regulate and expand your window of tolerance
Heal the relational wounds that keep you stuck in survival mode
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a somatic & trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
