How to Stop Self-Abandoning in Relationships
Most of us were never taught how to stay connected to ourselves while staying connected to others.
Especially if you grew up walking on eggshells, reading other people’s moods, or feeling like love was something you had to earn.
You learned early that belonging often came with a cost: your needs, your truth, your boundaries, your body’s signals.
That’s what self-abandonment really is - the consistent pattern of disconnecting from yourself to preserve connection with someone else.
And while it might look like love or care, it’s often the emotional residue of codependency, people-pleasing, fawning, and relational trauma that’s still living in your nervous system.
What Does Self-Abandonment Look Like?
Self-abandonment isn’t just about ignoring your needs - it’s the automatic instinct to leave yourself emotionally, mentally, or even physically whenever conflict, rejection, or disapproval feels like a threat.
It looks like saying “I’m fine” when your chest feels tight and your stomach is in knots.
It’s apologizing for your emotions before you even express them.
It’s convincing yourself “it’s not that big of a deal” when something deeply hurt you.
It’s over-functioning in your relationships - taking care of others’ emotions, needs, or comfort at the expense of your own peace.
It’s losing sleep replaying what you said, wishing you’d just stayed quiet, or regretting that you “made things weird.”
In trauma language, self-abandonment is a protective strategy. It’s how your nervous system learned to manage relationships that didn’t feel safe enough for authenticity.
Maybe you learned that if you had a need, you’d be dismissed. If you were too emotional, you’d be told you were “too much.” If you asserted yourself, you’d risk rejection or conflict.
So you adapted - you stayed small, agreeable, or endlessly accommodating. Because survival required being liked, not being real (fawning).
What Causes Self-Abandonment?
There isn’t one cause! It’s a pattern rooted in how we were conditioned to stay safe.
Here are a few common origins I see in showing up time and time again in therapy:
1. Childhood emotional neglect.
When caregivers couldn’t attune to your feelings or minimized/invalidated/dismissed them, you learned to suppress them to avoid being a burden. You internalized that your emotions were inconvenient.
2. Relational trauma or inconsistent attachment.
If love meant walking on eggshells, caretaking, or reading someone’s mood to prevent an explosion, your body learned that self-abandonment equals safety.
3. Cultural or family conditioning.
You may have been raised to be a “good girl. “ Praised for being perfect (aka having no needs) or for being so “mature” at a young age. You may have been praised for being the helper or fixer and always taking care of others. You learned that being selfless was a virtue - even if it meant erasing yourself. It teaches you that attending to your needs and taking care of yourself is selfish or wrong. Which is why now when you try - you feel endless guilt.
4. High-functioning codependency.
Self-abandonment often hides beneath competence. You might be the one who “has it all together,” the emotional rock, the caretaker. But that constant over-functioning - managing everyone else’s comfort - becomes a way of avoiding your own needs and emotions.
When you’re constantly tuned into everyone else’s emotional frequency, your own gets lost in the noise.
The Connection Between High Functioning Codependency, People Pleasing, and Self-Abandonment
If codependency is the pattern of organizing your life around others to feel worthy, then self-abandonment is the internal cost of that pattern.
It’s what happens when your nervous system equates love with performance - when being needed feels safer than being known.
For example:
You feel anxious when someone pulls away, so you chase closeness by caretaking.
You sense tension in a relationship and immediately try to fix it, even if it wasn’t yours to fix.
You stay in dynamics that drain you because the discomfort of leaving feels worse than the cost of staying.
This is why so many people with people-pleasing, perfectionistic, and high-functioning anxiety patterns struggle to relax - because rest requires self-presence, and self-presence has never felt safe. In fact, it feels deeply uncomfortable and you want to avoid it at all costs.
How to Stop Self-Abandoning in Relationships
Healing self-abandonment isn’t about becoming “selfish.” It’s about learning that your needs matter as much as everyone else’s.
It’s a slow process of returning home to yourself - one micro-moment at a time.
Here’s what that work can look like:
1. Notice When You Leave Yourself
Before you can stop abandoning yourself, you have to catch it in real time.
Start observing moments when you disconnect: when you minimize a feeling, silence a truth, or override your intuition to keep the peace.
Ask yourself:
What did I need in this moment that I ignored?
What emotion am I avoiding by focusing on someone else’s comfort?
Awareness is the bridge between survival and choice.
2. Reconnect With Your Body
Self-abandonment lives in the body - not the mind! That’s why I always slow my clients down to ask what they’re feeling in the body and teach somatic techniques.
Start building awareness of your physical signals: the lump in your throat, the pit in your stomach, the shallow breath.
These sensations are your internal boundaries trying to get your attention.
Try grounding techniques, gentle somatic work, or self-touch (placing a hand on your chest or heart) to signal safety back to your nervous system.
The goal isn’t to get rid of discomfort, but to stay with yourself through it.
3. Practice Micro-Moments of Self-Validation
If you grew up doubting your reality, self-validation can feel foreign at first.
Try saying internally:
“It makes sense that I feel this way.”
“I can understand why this was hard for me.”
“My feelings are real, even if someone else doesn’t understand them.”
This builds internal trust - the foundation for emotional safety and self-connection.
4. Set Boundaries That Include You
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re commitments to self-protection and self-respect.
When you’re used to self-abandoning, boundaries can trigger guilt - because they disrupt old patterns of earning love through compliance.
But every time you honor your own limits, you teach your nervous system that you can be safe and connected at the same time.
If saying “no” still feels intolerable, start small: pause before saying “yes,” check in with your body, and give yourself permission to need time.
5. Relearn Safety in Stillness
For those with trauma, stillness can feel threatening - your body associates “calm” with waiting for the next crisis.
Healing means teaching your system that safety can exist without hypervigilance.
Try short practices of mindful grounding: noticing breath, warmth, or support beneath you.
At first, rest will feel unfamiliar - maybe even boring. That’s okay! Boredom is often the nervous system’s first taste of peace.
Returning to Yourself
Healing self-abandonment is the work of coming back to yourself- to the body, to your truth, to the parts of you that were told they were “too much” or “not enough.”
It’s messy and nonlinear. You’ll slip into old habits - over-functioning, caretaking, minimizing - and that’s okay! What matters is that this time, you notice. You pause. You choose to stay with yourself.
Healing from this isn’t about becoming perfect at boundaries or never people-pleasing again. Thats not really human.
It’s about remembering that you no longer have to betray yourself in ANY relationship! You’ve got this :)
If This Resonates…
This pattern often shows up in therapy with women who carry high-functioning anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, and relational trauma histories.
If you’re ready to start reconnecting with yourself and unlearning the self-abandonment cycle, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust, emotional safety, and authenticity.
Learn more about my work in:
You deserve relationships that don’t require you to disappear to be loved!!
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
