5 Reasons Why We Self-Sabotage (Even When We Want Better for Ourselves)
Self-sabotage happens when we consciously or unconsciously hold ourselves back from growth, success, or allowing in something good. It’s the inner tug-of-war between what we deeply want… and what we fear, believe, or have learned to expect.
Sound familiar?
Maybe you start an exciting new relationship, but soon find yourself picking fights or pushing them away before they get a chance to leave you. Or you procrastinate on a project that actually matters to you. Or you numbly scroll for hours instead of going to bed—even though you’ve been exhausted for weeks.
On the outside, it looks like you’re “just not trying.” But underneath, there’s always a reason. Self-sabotage is often rooted in trauma, low self-worth, fear of the unknown, or deeply ingrained beliefs about what we do or don’t deserve.
And most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
So the real question becomes: Why? Why would we block ourselves from the things we say we want—healthy love, peace, success, fulfillment?
Let’s break it down.
1. It gives us a sense of control when everything else feels out of control
When life feels chaotic—whether from trauma, stress, transitions, or just being emotionally overwhelmed—self-sabotage can give us a (false) sense of control. If you’re prone to anxiety, you probably know this well.
The truth is, it’s easier to predict our own failure than to risk failure that’s out of our hands. Sabotaging something before it falls apart on its own gives us the illusion of choice. But it often leaves us stuck in the same cycles we’re desperately trying to escape.
2. Familiarity feels safer than the unknown—even if it hurts
Here’s a hard truth: if chaos, inconsistency, or criticism were normal in your early relationships, calm can feel unsafe and good things can feel suspicious.
Even if the outcome of self-sabotage is painful, it’s often a pain we’re used to. Familiarity gives a false sense of comfort—because at least we know what to expect. Growth, on the other hand, means stepping into uncertainty. And for anxious or trauma-impacted nervous systems, the unknown can feel intolerable.
3. It’s meeting a need (even if it’s not the healthiest way to meet it)
Every behavior—even the ones that seem destructive—usually has a purpose. It’s doing something for us. Maybe it’s helping us avoid discomfort. Maybe it’s giving us a sense of identity, control, or escape. Maybe it’s numbing emotional pain we don’t yet know how to process.
Example: You might drink every night, even though it’s hurting you. But maybe it helps you feel fun, unwind, or disconnect from stress. Or maybe you pick fights in relationships because you crave reassurance—but the only way you know how to get it is through conflict.
We don’t self-sabotage for no reason. We do it because some part of us is trying to cope, protect, or feel better—even if it’s short-lived.
4. Your inner critic doesn’t believe you deserve more
This is a big one—especially if you struggle with low self-worth, people-pleasing, or perfectionism. If your core belief is “I’m not good enough,” you’ll unconsciously reject opportunities, relationships, and experiences that contradict that belief.
You might not apply for a job because you’re afraid you’re not smart enough. Or you downplay your needs in relationships because you don’t want to be “too much.” Or you don’t speak up because somewhere deep down, you’ve been taught that your voice doesn’t matter.
This inner critic can sound like protection, but it’s often just fear dressed up in self-doubt.
5. Fear—plain and simple
Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of being seen. Fear of being alone. Fear of change.
What if it doesn’t work out? What if it does? What if I get hurt again? What if I disappoint people?
Sometimes it feels safer to stay stuck than to risk the unknown. So instead of trying, we stay in jobs that drain us. We avoid launching that business. We don’t reach out to that person. We keep ourselves small.
But fear doesn’t mean stop—it just means slow down, get curious, and build safety within before taking the next step.
How to Start Shifting Self-Sabotage Patterns
If this all hits a little too close to home, I want you to know—there is nothing wrong with you. Your brain and body are doing what they learned to do to stay safe. That doesn’t mean you’re stuck here forever.
Here are a few journal prompts to help you reflect:
How have you been self-sabotaging lately?
What function is this behavior serving? What need is it meeting?
What’s the fear if you let go of this pattern?
What’s a healthier way you could get this need met?
Can you challenge the belief beneath the sabotage?
Ready to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage?
If you're ready to stop getting in your own way and start creating the life and relationships you actually want, therapy can help. We’ll work together to understand the “why” behind the patterns, heal the root causes, and build new ways of relating to yourself with more compassion, trust, and intention.
