Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Attract (And How to Heal Together)

Have you ever noticed how the anxious partner who craves closeness always seems to end up with the avoidant partner who needs space?

It’s one of the most common, classic, and painful relationship patterns and dynamics I see in my practice. This “push-pull” cycle can feel magnetic at first but quickly turns into frustration, resentment, and heartbreak. Yet, so many people find themselves in this exact dynamic and wonder: Why do I keep ending up here? And can it ever work?

Let’s answer these questions below!

What Is an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship?

An anxious-avoidant relationship forms when one partner has an anxious attachment style (fears abandonment, seeks closeness, needs reassurance) and the other has an avoidant attachment style (fears being smothered, needs independence, pulls away when things feel too intense).

On the surface, these partners seem like opposites. But underneath, they share the same fear: losing love. They just cope with that fear in opposite ways.

Why Do Anxious and Avoidant Partners Attract?

It might sound counterintuitive - but the attraction is real. Here’s why:

✨ Familiarity feels safe. If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving, chaos, or emotional neglect, your nervous system may be wired to feel “at home” in relationships that mirror that unpredictability.

✨ Each confirms the other’s core wound. The anxious partner fears they’re too much or will be abandoned, and the avoidant partner fears they’ll lose themselves if they get too close. Their behaviors reinforce each other’s beliefs. Sometimes even becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

✨ The initial spark feels intoxicating. The anxious partner may feel the avoidant’s independence is exciting and confident. The avoidant may find the anxious partner’s warmth and attentiveness flattering at first. The differences can also balance each other out - often the anxious attached is emotional and attuned to their feelings. Often the avoidant is logical and grounded.

But what starts as attraction often turns into a cycle that keeps both partners feeling unseen and their emotional needs not met.

The Cycle of Push and Pull

Here’s how the anxious-avoidant dynamic usually plays out:

• The anxious partner wants closeness, asks for reassurance, or points out disconnection.

• The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed, criticized, or smothered - and withdraws.

• The anxious partner’s panic increases due to that withdrawal, and they try harder to reconnect and seek closeness.

• The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and retreats further to find relief.

Round and round it goes. Both partners end up exhausted - the anxious one feeling abandoned or rejected, the avoidant one feeling trapped and shut down.

The Challenges of This Dynamic

An anxious-avoidant relationship can feel like:

• Constant miscommunication. Both partners speak different “attachment languages.”

• High tension. The nervous system stays in fight-or-flight (for the anxious partner) or shut-down (for the avoidant). Both are dysregulated just in different ways.

• Deep loneliness. Even when physically together, neither feels truly emotionally safe.

• Resentment building. Each partner feels like their needs are never met.

If you’ve been in this cycle, you know how draining it can be - but it doesn’t mean it’s hopeless!

Can The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work?

Yes - but it takes awareness, willingness, and healing on both sides.

An anxious-avoidant relationship can shift when:

✨ Both partners learn about their attachment styles and name the cycle.
✨ The anxious partner practices self-soothing instead of reaching for constant reassurance.
✨ The avoidant partner learns to lean into discomfort and stay present instead of shutting down.
✨ The anxious partner works on developing more autonomy, interdependence, and self compassion.
✨ The avoidant partner begins to recognize feelings, becomes more vulnerable, and allows closeness.
✨ Both partners focus on building secure attachment through safety, consistency, and communication.

Healing together doesn’t mean becoming perfect. It means both partners recognize their patterns and work toward change - individually and together!

How to Heal Together (or Apart)

Here are some starting points:

• Self-awareness first. Notice your own triggers and survival patterns before trying to change your partner. Name which style you relate to and your part in the dynamic.

• Recognizing feelings, needs, and fears. Before articulating them - you need to know them. With a therapist, you can uncover what your emotions are, what emotional needs you have, and what your core fears are that drive your behavior.

• Nervous system regulation. Learn tools to calm your body (breathwork, grounding, somatic therapy) so you can respond instead of react.

• Boundaries and communication. The anxious partner may need to practice slowing down and using “I feel” statements. The avoidant partner may need to practice sharing what’s going on instead of withdrawing silently.

• Therapy. Individual or couples therapy can help both partners explore their histories, build empathy, and move toward secure attachment.

And sometimes, healing means realizing the relationship can’t meet your needs - and choosing to break the cycle by walking away. That’s part of the growth, too if it has to come to that. That likely sounds so scary and that makes a lot of sense. But sometimes you do learn that the relationship can’t grow together or that one isn’t willing to put in that work. Walking away can sound anxiety provoking and you will need a support system - but you can have a happy, fulfilling life on your own. And even find yourself further!

A Final Note

If you see yourself in this pattern, please know: you’re not broken, and neither is your partner. These dynamics often come from old wounds, not who you truly are. And, that it doesn’t mean the relationship is all negative.

Outside of the familiarity of your childhood wounds, theres likely a lot keeping you together. However, no matter how much you love each other -if you don’t address theses dynamics - the patterns will persist. They don’t randomly stop until both of you work at it.

With the right support - whether individually or as a couple - you can move from anxious or avoidant into a more secure, balanced, and connected way of loving.

If you find yourself in this dynamic - I’d love to support you! I’ve been in it myself and have learned through my own healing process that it’s possible for change. It may feel daunting - but I’d love to walk with you in it! Schedule a free call below to see if we can work together.

About the author

Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.

✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
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Disclaimer

This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.