Where Does Resentment Come From (And How to Heal It in Your Relationships)
Resentment is one of those emotions we don’t always like to admit we feel. It can feel heavy, shameful, or even “petty.” But if you’ve ever caught yourself keeping score in a relationship, ruminating over unfairness, or silently thinking “I do everything for everyone - when will someone show up for me?” … that’s resentment speaking!
And here’s the truth: resentment doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a powerful emotional signal, often pointing to unmet needs, crossed boundaries, or unresolved hurts that have been swept under the rug. You just have to listen to it, rather than ignore it.
Let’s break down where resentment comes from, what it’s telling you, how it impacts relationships, and how you can begin to heal from it.
Where Does Resentment Come From?
Resentment often builds slowly. It’s not always a sudden flare of anger - more often it’s a quiet accumulation of moments when:
You said yes when you wanted to say no
You over-gave while minimizing your own needs
You didn’t feel appreciated or recognized
You kept quiet to avoid conflict or rejection
You tolerated repeated boundary crossings
For many of my clients, resentment isn’t just about the present-day situation. It often has roots in childhood experiences. If you grew up in a family where:
Your needs were minimized or ignored
You were expected to parent your parents (parentification)
Love and approval were conditional
You had to be “the responsible one” or caretaker
… then resentment may feel like a familiar companion in adulthood.
In these cases, resentment is often tied to relational trauma. It comes from a lifetime of being taught - implicitly or explicitly - that your needs don’t matter, or that prioritizing yourself is selfish. When both are just not true and it sets you up to live with constant resentment, because your needs deserve space to be expressed and met.
What Resentment Is Really Telling You
Resentment is not just an emotion to “get rid of.” It’s information. It’s your body and nervous system’s way of saying:
“Something doesn’t feel fair.”
“I’ve been giving more than I can sustain.”
“My boundaries have been crossed.”
“I’m longing for reciprocity, safety, or care.”
“I have a need that has not been safely expressed or met”
In fact, you can think of resentment as a compass. It points you toward the places where your values, needs, or limits are being ignored - sometimes by others, but often by yourself when you silence or abandon your own boundaries.
How Resentment Impacts Relationships
Unspoken resentment has a way of seeping into relationships and creating distance. Some common patterns I see in therapy:
✨ Passive-aggressiveness - You may not voice your needs directly, but they leak out through sarcasm, withdrawal, or subtle digs. “Jokes” are often not truly funny. They’re truths covered with humor.
✨ Scorekeeping - You find yourself mentally tallying everything you do versus what your partner, friend, or family member does (and often feeling you come up short).
✨ Explosive outbursts - After weeks or months of suppressing frustration, it comes out all at once - and often bigger than the situation calls for. Sometimes verbally, sometimes in ways like when you’re drinking .
✨ Emotional disconnection - Resentment can lead you to pull away or numb yourself in order to cope, leaving the relationship starved of intimacy.
Over time, if resentment isn’t addressed, it can create a wall between you and the people you love. Instead of fostering closeness, it fuels distance and mistrust.
How to Heal From Resentment
Healing from resentment doesn’t mean ignoring it or forcing yourself to “get over it.” It means tending to the deeper needs beneath it. Here are some steps to begin:
1. Acknowledge it without shame
Resentment is a normal human response. Instead of judging yourself, try to name it: “I feel resentful because I’m overextended” or “I feel resentful because I don’t feel seen.” Naming it brings clarity!
2. Identify the unmet need
Ask yourself: What is this resentment pointing me toward? Do I need rest, support, appreciation, more balanced effort, or clearer boundaries?
3. Check your boundaries
Many times resentment is the byproduct of saying yes when you wanted to say no. Learning to set boundaries isn’t selfish - it’s an act of self-respect and a way of preserving relationships.
4. Communicate directly (and early)
Instead of waiting until frustration boils over, try naming your feelings in real-time. Example: “I’ve noticed I’ve been handling the majority of the household tasks lately, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we come up with a more balanced plan?”
5. Tend to your nervous system
If you have a history of relational trauma, your body may go into fawn mode - saying yes automatically, avoiding conflict, and silencing yourself. Somatic therapy, breathwork, or mindfulness can help regulate your system so you can pause, notice your feelings, and respond differently.
6. Explore the roots in therapy
If resentment is chronic and shows up in all your relationships, it may be linked to deeper wounds around worthiness, safety, and attachment. Therapy - especially with a trauma therapist - can help untangle these patterns and create space for healthier connections.
The Gift of Resentment
As uncomfortable as it feels, resentment is not your enemy! It’s actually a messenger - highlighting where you’ve abandoned yourself, overextended, or ignored your limits.
When you begin to listen to resentment with curiosity instead of shame, it can guide you toward:
Clearer boundaries
Healthier reciprocity
Deeper self-respect
More authentic, connected relationships
Because at the core, resentment is really a sign that you’re longing for something more balanced, safe, and loving. And when you start honoring that longing, you open the door to healing - both for yourself and in your relationships. You just need to get used to letting yourself honor and voice your feelings, needs, and boundaries. That’s likely unfamiliar so please know this is a practice and takes time! You have to push through and be with the discomfort and keep trying. Your body, mind, and soul with thank you! And - you will develop deeper, healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
