Why You’re Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People - And When It’s Time to Walk Away
And: Can Emotionally Unavailable People Change? A Therapist’s Honest Answer
Ever find yourself wondering why you keep falling for people who can’t meet you halfway?
You start dating someone new, and at first, there’s that spark and butterflies. You tell yourself, “Maybe this one will be different.”
But slowly, things shift. They stop being as communicative. You feel anxious when they take too long to respond. You’re constantly overthinking what you said, trying not to be “too much.” You ask for more, and they pull away. And somehow…you’re the one left feeling like you’re the problem and questioning everything.
This is what it can feel like to love someone emotionally unavailable. And if this sounds familiar, you’re not alone!
Many of my therapy clients - especially people-pleasers or those with anxious attachment - come to me asking:
“Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people?”
Let’s talk about what that actually means, why it happens, and what you can do to stop repeating the pattern!
What Does “Emotionally Unavailable” Actually Mean?
Being emotionally unavailable isn’t about someone being a bad person - it’s about their inability (or unwillingness) to emotionally connect in a consistent, attuned, and reciprocal way. It’s often a sign of an avoidant attachment style, meaning there is a deep fear of losing independence, discomfort with vulnerability, and worry around getting too close. Though, it doesn’t HAVE to mean there is an avoidant attachment. Many people with other styles (besides secure) are emotionally unavailable.
People who are emotionally unavailable often:
Avoid vulnerability
Dismiss or shut down emotional conversations
Seem “hot and cold” or inconsistent
Intellectualize feelings instead of expressing them
Say things like, “I’m just not good at emotions” or “I’m not ready for anything serious”
React defensively when you express a need
Make you feel like you’re the problem or “too emotional” when expressing/sharing emotions
In short: they struggle to be emotionally present, especially when relationships deepen or intimacy grows.
Why Are Some People Emotionally Unavailable?
Often, emotional unavailability is a protective response - not a personality flaw.
People become emotionally unavailable for many reasons, including:
Attachment wounds: If they grew up with caregivers who were neglectful, inconsistent, or emotionally immature, they may have learned that vulnerability isn’t safe.
Trauma: Emotional shutdown can be a response to pain - especially if past relationships involved betrayal, abandonment, or shame.
Internalized beliefs: “Needing people is weak.” “I’ll lose myself in a relationship.” “I can’t trust anyone.” (which shows up as hyperindependence)
Social conditioning: Especially for men, emotional stoicism is often encouraged while emotional openness is shamed. Even nowadays as far as we’ve come.
This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior - but it helps us understand the why behind the wall.
I do want to add in, these are very classic forms of emotional unavailability. But there are other ways it shows up: people pleasing, self abandonment, emotional cheating, and more.
Why Am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?
This is one of the most common questions I hear in therapy. And here’s the truth:
You’re not broken - you’re just familiar with inconsistency. It’s a classic honestly - a tale as old as time.
If love felt conditional or unpredictable growing up, part of you learned that love means anxiety. You might feel drawn to people who give you just enough to stay hopeful - but never enough to feel secure.
That intense chemistry you feel when someone is hot and cold? That pull you can’t explain? That’s often your nervous system recognizing a familiar pattern - not actual compatibility.
You may have an anxious attachment style, which makes sense because the avoidant-anxious partners frequently choose each other and trigger each others attachment systems.
Sometimes it even feels like “If I can just get this person to love me, it will finally mean I’m worthy.” The chase, the “project” the never full knowing - can feel intoxicating and even meaningful or purposeful. Especially if you struggle with your own sense of self, self worth, or codependent patterns. It’s SO easy to put it in someone else and to have to prove it to yourself.
But all it does is reinforce a painful cycle of chasing, hoping, and feeling not-enough.
Can Emotionally Unavailable People Fall in Love or Change?
Short answer: Yes - but only if they want to.
And only if they’re willing to do the hard work of therapy, emotional accountability, and practicing vulnerability.
NOT from a place of pressure, an ultimatum, or feeling forced. There has to be a genuine part of them that knows something is in need of work, a true desire to grow and change, and putting action into play not just words. Even if its a part of them, not every fiber of their being - that’s a good start.
Many emotionally unavailable people do fall in love. But love alone doesn’t fix fear, trauma, or disconnection.
And you can’t love them into availability. That’s not your job. Or even possible.
If you’re always over-functioning - doing the emotional labor, justifying their behavior, shrinking your needs - you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a survival pattern.
When Is It Time to Leave an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Unforunately, I nor anyone else, can EVER give you that answer (unless things are unsafe). And the tough part is there is no right answer or moment. YOU have to figure this out. You have to get very real with yourself and slowly start listening to your intuition and gut. If you are disconnected from yourself and your body, its going to be easier to stay and neglect yourself. So if you are not in therapy…I highly encrouage it!
To help, here are some signs to pay attention to and a possibility it may be time to rethink and get honest:
✨ You feel chronically anxious, insecure, or unseen
✨ You’re constantly questioning your worth in the relationship
✨ You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them
✨ They consistently dismiss or deflect when you express emotional needs
✨ You’re the one doing all the emotional work - and they show no signs of changing
✨ Your nervous system feels activated more than it feels safe
Leaving doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re honoring your needs.
What Healing Actually Looks Like Personally:
Breaking this cycle takes courage - and compassion.
It means getting really honest with yourself:
What am I hoping to prove in this relationship?
What did I learn about love growing up?
What does secure actually feel like?
Healing involves:
Rewiring your nervous system to feel safe in connection (not just chaos)
Rebuilding self-trust and self-worth
Exploring attachment wounds in therapy
Learning how to spot emotional availability and green flags
Practicing relationships where your needs are safe to name - and safe to meet
It’s not about becoming perfect or never getting triggered - it’s about knowing your patterns and choosing differently.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve So Much More Than “Almost”
If you’ve been in a cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable partners, I want you to know this:
You’re not too needy. You’re not asking for too much. You just might be asking the wrong person.
You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to over-explain your needs… or shrink them.
You deserve someone who shows up. And you deserve to feel emotionally safe, not just emotionally activated or emotionally deprived.
And know - you’ve done nothing wrong. You just realized you want better for yourself. IF the other person isn’t willing to change.
IF they are…that’s amazing and it can be done! You just need true honesty from them, to see ACTION not just intent, and patience.
But keep checking in with yourself and see how you feel. Listen to your intuition and gut. Let your body guide you.
Healing this pattern doesn’t happen overnight. But it is possible.
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
