How to Spot Truly Toxic Behavior (And What to Do About It)

Let’s be honest: terms like toxic, gaslighting, and narcissist get thrown around a lot these days - especially on social media.

And while it’s powerful that we’re finally naming harmful dynamics and putting words to patterns that used to go unnoticed, sometimes these labels get overused - slapped onto anyone whose behavior feels uncomfortable or different from ours.

But here’s the thing: toxic behavior is very real.

It’s not about someone being “too much” or just not meeting your needs - it’s about repeated, unhealthy dynamics that erode your sense of self, twist reality, and leave you emotionally drained or doubting yourself.

Let’s break down a few red flags that point to truly toxic behavior, and how to protect yourself if you’re dealing with it. Then, toward the end I will differentiate between toxic vs narcissistic behavior.

What Actually Makes Someone Toxic?

In this part, I’m not necessarily talking about a diagnosed narcissist or sociopath (though they will be showing these traits too).
A toxic person can still have some good qualities and also behave in harmful, unhealthy ways.

Here are 6 warning signs of toxic behavior:

1. Gaslighting

This is intentional and manipulative - and it’s not the same as someone just disagreeing with you.

Gaslighting = making you question your reality.
A gaslighter might:

• Deny things they’ve said or done

• Make you feel “crazy” for bringing up something that hurt

• Flip the script and make you the villain

Example: You calmly express how something hurt you, and instead of taking it in, they accuse you of being dramatic or cruel - and suddenly they are the victim.

Gaslighting chips away at your self-trust and makes you dependent on the other person’s version of truth. That is not okay.

2. Defensiveness and Blame-Shifting

A toxic or emotionally immature person will often:

• Blow up or shut down when confronted

• Twist feedback into an attack

• Always find a way to make it your fault

Even if they apologize, it may be more about regaining control than genuine remorse.

Note: If every conversation turns into a blame game or makes you feel worse afterward - pay attention to that.

3. Lack of Self-Reflection & Genuine Awareness

Toxic people tend to avoid introspection. They often:

• See themselves as the victim

• Blame others for their problems

• Lack awareness of how their behavior affects people

And on the surface, they might seem arrogant or overly confident. But underneath? It’s usually unprocessed shame and insecurity. They either can’t - or won’t - admit to being flawed or being at fault.

Note: You’ll notice they always think you need to grow and change - never them.

4. Guilt-Tripping

A toxic person may try to control you through guilt - especially when:

• You say no

• You set boundaries

• You try to take care of yourself

• You focus on your needs

If you try to walk away or create space, they might:

• Make you feel like the bad guy

• Threaten their own mental health/well-being

• Say things like “I can’t live without you” or “You’re abandoning me”

Note: That’s not love - that’s emotional manipulation.
You are NOT responsible for managing someone else’s reactions to your boundaries.

5. Disrespecting (or Avoiding) Boundaries

Toxic people don’t like boundaries - they want access to you whenever it benefits them.

They might:

• Test or ignore your boundaries

• Explode when you assert a limit

• Only enforce rigid, punishing boundaries themselves

Note: Boundaries = self-respect. And to someone toxic, self-respect is threatening.

6. They Thrive on Drama, Chaos, or Urgency

Some toxic relationships feel like a rollercoaster - with no off switch.

They might:

• Create drama out of small things

• Insert themselves into other people’s problems

• Flip between hot and cold - overly loving one moment, cruel the next

• Need a crisis or chaos to feel connected or important

Note: This isn’t just exhausting - it’s a sign of emotional dysregulation. And it often keeps you in a hypervigilant, survival-mode state, always managing their moods or preventing the next blow-up.

If you find yourself craving peace, but always getting pulled back into chaos - it’s a red flag.

Are Toxic Relationships Addictive?

Yes - they can be.
There’s often a cycle of highs and lows, love-bombing and withdrawal, apology and hurt - which creates a trauma bond that feels hard to break.

The nervous system gets used to the pattern of chaos and intensity, making calm or healthy love feel foreign. You’re not weak or broken for staying. by the way. You may simply be stuck in a nervous system loop that confuses intensity with connection. It also often re-triggers our own trauma or attachment wounds, which adds another layer to the story.

Is This Just Toxic…or Something More?

Let’s name something important:
Not everyone who exhibits these behaviors is a narcissist or abusive. Sometimes people act in toxic ways because they’re emotionally immature, unhealed, or deeply dysregulated - not because they’re cruel or manipulative by nature.

There’s a difference between someone who’s struggling and someone who is consistently harming you with no remorse. Think about:

• Whether it’s conscious/intentional or more unconscious/emotionally immature

• How frequent and patterned the behavior is

• If there’s a complete lack of empathy, remorse, or insight

• Whether they show any capacity or genuine desire for change or accountability

So how do you tell the difference? Here’s what to look for:

When It’s More Than Just Toxic Behavior

You may be dealing with manipulative, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive patterns if the person:

• Shows no empathy for your experience

• Gaslights you regularly - not just once or twice under stress

• Twists your words and plays the victim whenever you try to express hurt

• Uses love, attention, or affection to control you

• Stonewalls, punishes, or withdraws when you set boundaries

• Makes you doubt your memory, worth, or instincts

• Never takes responsibility - even when they’re clearly in the wrong

• Sees you more as an extension of them than a separate person with your own autonomy

Note: If someone hurts you and then blames you for it - repeatedly with no accountability- that’s not immaturity or a little toxicity. That’s abuse.

And Here’s Where It Gets Complicated…

Sometimes the person does have good traits. Sometimes they say all the right things - "I’ll change,” “I love you so much,” “I didn’t mean to” - but their actions never shift.

You don’t need a formal diagnosis to trust your gut.
You don’t need to wait for it to get worse to justify walking away.

Note: It’s enough to say: “This dynamic is harming me.” That’s reason enough to set limits.

Can Toxic Relationships Be Fixed?

Sometimes - but only if:

• The person is willing to acknowledge their patterns

• They seek genuine help (not just say they will)

• You feel emotionally safe to express needs and boundaries

But you can’t fix it alone. And you’re allowed to walk away even if they “promise to change.”

What To Do If You’re In a Toxic Dynamic:

Being in a relationship (romantic, familial, or platonic) with someone who consistently behaves this way can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Talk About It in Therapy

Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you:

• Stay grounded in your reality

• Break the cycle of gaslighting and manipulation

• Rebuild self-trust in your intuition and voice

• Understand why this relationship felt addictive

You are not crazy for feeling hurt, confused, or unsure.

Toxic people often try to warp your sense of what's normal. You need support to stay connected to your truth.

2. Don’t Get Pulled Into Power Struggles

Toxic people feed off of reactions - that’s how they feel powerful.

Instead of arguing, justifying, or defending yourself:

• Stay calm and neutral

• State your boundary clearly

• Exit the conversation when needed

Note: You don’t owe anyone an emotional performance. You’re allowed to walk away.

3. Set Boundaries - And Mean Them

A boundary without follow-through is just a suggestion. Ask yourself:

• What happens if they don’t respect this boundary?

• Am I willing to limit contact, end the relationship, or take space?

It’s okay to pause and reflect - but be honest with yourself about what you’re getting from this relationship… and at what cost.

4. Ask Yourself the Hard Questions

If you’re still unsure whether this person is toxic, try journaling on these:

• Have these behaviors been happening for years - or is this new?

• Do their actions match their words?

• Do I feel loved and respected - or anxious and on edge?

• What would change in my life if I let go?

• Am I staying out of love… or fear, guilt, and obligation?

• Does this person want to change and grow?

• Do they take any accountability or apologize or are they blaming me?

Final Thoughts: You’re Allowed to Choose Peace

Whether it’s a partner, parent, sibling, or friend - you are allowed to set limits, take space, or walk away from people who continually harm you, especially if they show no willingness to grow or change. Even if that person also has good traits.

It may be harder with family. It may take time. It may bring up guilt and grief.

But you deserve relationships that are mutual, respectful, and safe - not ones that keep you doubting yourself or stuck in survival mode.

If any of this resonates, it might be time to stop questioning yourself - and start trusting your gut.

Final note:
✨ You don’t need a diagnosis to trust your gut.
✨ You don’t need proof to protect your peace.

About the author

Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.

✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free nervous system workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.

Disclaimer

This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.