Have you ever noticed that the moment life feels calm or good, something inside you tightens instead of relaxes? Maybe you finally get a quiet weekend, your relationship feels stable, work slows down, or you hit a long-awaited goal. On the outside, everything looks peaceful. But internally, you feel uneasy, restless, suspicious or even on edge (or hypervigilant)

Clients tell me things like:“I should feel happy right now but I don’t feel like this is real”.
“Whenever things are good, I wait for the other shoe to drop.”
“Trying to rest makes me feel anxious and actually restless.”
“I don’t know how to let myself enjoy down time or stillness.”

If this feels familiar, there is nothing wrong with you! You’re not ungrateful, dramatic, you’re definitely not “too much.” You’re not failing at self care or mindfulness.

You’re having a trauma, stress, or nervous system response that makes peace feel unfamiliar, and therefore unsafe!

Let’s talk about why now.

Why Peace Feels Threatening When You Have Trauma

When you grow up or live in environments where chaos, inconsistency, tension or unpredictability are normal, your nervous system learns that bracing is safer than relaxing. Calm can feel like a setup. Goodness can feel temporary. Peace can feel like the moment before something bad happens.

Your body learned to survive by being prepared and being alert to catch any danger or threat.

So when life finally slows down, your system doesn’t interpret that as safety. It interprets it as vulnerability to something bad coming.

Here are some common trauma-informed beliefs that show up in this pattern:

If I let my guard down, something bad will happen.
Good things don’t last.
Calm means I’m not paying attention.
If I relax, I’ll lose control.
If I enjoy this too much, the disappointment will hurt more.

Your mind might understand that you are safe. Your body often does not.

Why Rest Feels So Uncomfortable

So many high functioning, anxious, people-pleasing adults tell me rest is the hardest thing for them. They know they need it and may even truly want it. Yet the moment they stop to slow down, a rush of discomfort shows up.

This is not laziness or a lack of discipline, it a survival/protective response.

Your body may associate stillness with helplessness or collapse. Moments where you had no control. Times where slowing down wasn’t an option because it meant you wouldn’t be emotionally or physically safe.

Rest pulls up sensations your nervous system has worked hard to avoid:

Emptiness
Vulnerability
Mild panic or restlessness
A sense of falling or dropping
Guilt for not being productive
A fear of losing connection or approval

If rest triggers anxiety for you, it means your system has been in fight or flight (or out of your window of tolerance) for a long time. Not because you’re failing at self care, but because no one ever taught your body that slowing down is safe!

The Nervous System Side: When Calm Is Dysregulating

Your nervous system has a window where it can handle stress without becoming overwhelmed. It’s your window of tolerance. If you grew up in chronic stress, emotional chaos or relational unpredictability, your window often adapts to live in a heightened state.

This means:

Chaos feels familiar.
Productivity feels protective.
Intensity feels like connection.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop feels normal.

So when there is suddenly nothing to brace for, no conflict to manage, no role to perform, no problem to fix, your body doesn’t know what to do with itself. Calm doesn’t equal safety when you grew up this way. Calm equals unfamiliar. And unfamiliar equals threat.

How This Shows Up In Real Life

This pattern can look like:

Feeling anxious at the beginning of a vacation
Feeling uncomfortable when someone treats you kindly
Feeling restless on weekends or slow mornings
Feeling panicked when your partner is emotionally consistent
Overworking to avoid stillness
Feeling bored in stable relationships
Picking fights or slipping into overthinking when things are going well
Crashing after periods of stress because your body doesn’t know how to downshift

If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just be happy when nothing is wrong?” this is why!

Your nervous system is responding to old patterns, not your current reality!

How To Start Feeling Safe With Peace, Rest, and Good Things

Healing this pattern takes time, gentleness, and consistency. We’re not forcing your body to relax. We’re teaching your body that it can relax.

Here’s where we begin.

1. Start by titrating rest.
Instead of jumping into a full day of rest which often sets you up to fail because it’s too much too soon, start with two or three minutes of intentional slowing down. Let your body adjust slowly so it doesn’t feel like a shock. Over time you can build up. But even putting away your phone and deep breathing for 3 minutes is a step in the right direction.

2. Notice the sensations that show up when things get quiet.
You’re not doing it wrong if discomfort arises. It simply means your body is shifting out of survival mode. So get quiet and pay attention through mindfulness internally. What sensations show up? What emotions? Any thoughts/beliefs?

3. Offer reassurance to your body, not just your mind.
Instead of just thinking “I’m safe,” try placing a hand on your chest, feeling your feet on the ground or lengthening your exhale. Safety is a felt experience, not a logical one. So when you connect with your mind and body you actually signal to your body the safety.

4. Explore the beliefs that surface around goodness.
Many people learn early on that good things come with a cost. Naming the narratives that taught you that calm is dangerous is a powerful step toward releasing them! This is really helpful to explore in therapy. The thoughts, beliefs you hold, and messages you’ve internalized through conditioning.

5. Build your capacity for goodness slowly.
Let yourself enjoy things in small doses. Pleasure, joy and peace require practice when they weren’t modeled for you. So do something truly just for joy and fun that has nothing to do with productivity or an outcome and try to put away your phone to be present. Again, start small and then build up your capacity for it. Tell yourself that you deserve it (you do!)

6. Work with a trauma and somatic therapist who understands the body.
EMDR and somatic therapy can help your nervous system learn that calm, connection, and rest are safe experiences. They help your body stop scanning for danger when there is none.

You Can Learn How to Feel Safe With Good Things (That Yes, Again You Do Deserve)

If peace feels threatening right now, it doesn’t mean you’re never going to experience it. It means your body has been protecting you for a very long time and you learned to survive environments that didn’t offer safety, consistency or emotional presence.

Your system did exactly what it needed to do to get you through!

And now, you can learn a new way of being. You can learn how to slow down without shutting down. You can experience joy or peace without waiting for it to disappear. You can let calm feel like ease instead of danger.

Your body just needs time, support, and repeated experiences of real safety.

You’ve got this! :)

About The Author

Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a **trauma therapist** that specializes in helping women heal from **relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety, codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns.** *My approach* blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, attachment focused therapy, & EMDR.

✨ I provide *online therapy* to adults located in ***New York***, ***New Jersey***, ***Washington, DC****, and* ***Maryland.***

📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or ***schedule a free 15-minute consultation*** to get started.
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✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by **subscribing to my free monthly newsletter**, to download a free mini nervous system workbook, journal prompts, mental health tips, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
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Disclaimer

This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.