Why Saying No Makes You Feel Guilty - Even When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong
Do you feel a pit in your stomach or start spiraling with anxiety anytime you:
Say no to a loved one?
Try to set a boundary?
Speak up for what you need?
Do you feel like you’ve done something wrong - or like you're a bad person - for simply advocating for yourself?
You’re not alone! So many of my clients experience this and honestly, I used to as well. Until I worked deeply on regulating my own nervous system.
More importantly please know: you’re not wrong for having needs.
That sense of guilt likely isn’t random - it’s usually the byproduct of deep-rooted conditioning, relational trauma, or emotionally immature caregivers who didn’t model healthy boundaries. So let’s talk about why this happens - and how to start healing it.
1. You Were Taught That Boundaries and Needs Are Selfish
If boundaries were shamed, ignored, or punished growing up, your nervous system might have internalized the message:
“My needs hurt people.”
Maybe your family was enmeshed - where there was no separation between what others needed and what you were allowed to need. Or maybe you were guilt-tripped, shut down, or called selfish when you tried to say no.
Note: In healthy relationships, needs are not selfish - they’re essential!
Boundaries are what protect connection, not what destroys it.
You’re Terrified of Disappointing People - and Had Emotionally Immature Parents
If your caregivers reacted with:
Guilt-tripping
Criticism
Silent treatment
Mood swings when you said no or disappointed them
...then your nervous system likely equates disappointment with danger. You learned that being good = being agreeable. And now, as an adult, saying no triggers a threat response.
Ask yourself gently:
“What do I fear will happen if I disappoint someone?”
Will they leave me?
Will they think I’m unworthy?
Will they stop loving me?
Note: These fears often stem from unhealed attachment wounds, not from who you are now.
3. Your Family Never Said No, But Everyone Was Resentful
You might’ve grown up in a family where:
Everyone prioritized each other over themselves
No one ever said “no” directly
But underneath? There was so much resentment and passive aggression
This is what I often call the martyr complex - where everyone sacrifices themselves to “keep the peace,” but ends up burned out, bitter, and disconnected.
Note: True peace comes from honesty, not self-abandonment.
If you were taught that saying no is wrong, you may still carry guilt even when you know better. But the truth is: boundaries build safer, more sustainable relationships.
4. You Were Made Responsible for Your Parent’s Needs (Parentification)
When your parents lacked emotional maturity, you may have been the one to:
Soothe their stress
Fix their emotional outbursts
Be “the good one” to keep the family from falling apart
This dynamic (called parentification) teaches you that your needs are secondary - or worse, harmful to others.
Note: So when you finally do try to meet your needs?
Your system sounds the alarm: “This is bad! Stop!”
But again - that alarm isn’t truth. It’s trauma.
Let’s Talk About Guilt: Helpful vs. Unhelpful
There is such a thing as healthy guilt - it shows up when you’ve genuinely acted out of alignment with your values (e.g., lying to a friend when you value honesty).
But this guilt - the kind that flares when you say no or take up space - is unhelpful. It’s not rooted in your values. It’s rooted in survival. It’s not that you’ve done anything bad or wrong. It just FEELS that way.
✨ You are not bad for prioritizing yourself. It just feels that way because your nervous system was wired to believe that your needs were a threat.
Unhelpful guilt can also be because you feel like you’re letting others down, you feel you’re disappointing people and not meeting their expectations, and/or you feel you aren’t meeting your OWN expectations. Aka: if you have the narrative that you are always the supportive friend who makes time for everyone else, the minute you give yourself time you are going to feel guilty because it goes against your own identity of yourself. Even though, attending to yourself is completely important and not selfish.
So How Do You Start Shifting Your Relationship To The Guilt?
Guilt is going to be there for some time, it takes time to heal and work through. The key isn’t always to get rid of it, it’s to shift your relationship to it.
Here are a few steps to gently work through guilt when it arises:
✨ 1. Notice the guilt without judgment
Name it: “This is guilt.” Sounds simple, but it’s SO powerful.
Locate it in your body. What sensations come up? Is it tight? Hot? Heavy? In your chest or a pit in your stomach?
✨ 2. Reality check the guilt
Ask yourself:
Did I do something out of alignment with my values?
Or do I just feel like I did?
Who’s expectations do I feel I’m not meeting? Someone else’s? My own?
Spoiler: Taking care of yourself does NOT mean you’re hurting someone else.
✨ 3. Sit with the discomfort
Guilt feels intolerable because you were conditioned to avoid it. But the only way to unlearn the fear is to let it pass through you.
Ground yourself with:
Deep breaths
Journaling
A short walk
Placing a hand on your heart and reminding yourself, “I’m safe.”
✨ 4. Use nervous-system-safe mantras
Try phrases like:
“It’s safe to have needs.”
“Boundaries build healthy relationships.”
“Others can handle disappointment - it’s not my job to fix their feelings.”
✨ 5. Work with a trauma-informed therapist
Unlearning people-pleasing and guilt is deep work. You don’t have to do it alone! Therapy can help you uncover where the guilt began, and learn how to build trust with yourself again.
You’re Not Wrong - You’re Healing!!
I can’t stress this enough and I know I’m being repetitive but setting boundaries and honoring your needs isn’t selfish. They are acts of:
✨ Self-respect
✨ Emotional maturity
✨ Relational integrity
If you’re feeling guilty because you’re prioritizing yourself - that’s not a red flag. That’s a sign you’re breaking old cycles!!! So, well done.
Keep going -
You’re doing the work, it’s hard, but you can do it!
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free nervous system workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
