Why the Holidays Feel So Stressful (Especially for People-Pleasers and Empaths)
The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.”
But for many people - especially those with people-pleasing, anxious, or over-extending tendencies - they can also be one of the most emotionally charged, stressful, and regressive times of the year.
Between family expectations, financial strain, travel, and the pressure to “be happy,” the holidays tend to bring old patterns and unhealed wounds right to the surface. Even if you’ve made progress in therapy, you might notice yourself slipping into old roles - the fixer, the peacemaker, the one who keeps it all together - before you even realize it.
Let’s unpack why the holidays can feel so hard and how to care for yourself through it!
Why We Fall Into Old Patterns Around The Holidays
For many, the holidays act like an emotional time machine. Being around family or returning to your childhood home can activate old dynamics, attachment wounds, and nervous system responses that you thought you’d outgrown.
Even if you feel secure and balanced most of the year, the holidays can bring you right back into old patterns - especially if you grew up in a family system where love was conditional, boundaries weren’t respected, or emotions weren’t safe to express.
Common triggers include:
Being asked invasive or critical questions (“When are you getting married?” “When are you having kids?” “How’s your job going?”)
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or comfort
Over-giving - with time, energy, or money - to keep everyone else happy
Guilt for setting boundaries, leaving early, or saying no
Comparison - feeling behind, not good enough, or disconnected from others’ highlight reels
Grief - bringing what you don’t have or lost to the surface
These reactions aren’t random - they’re your nervous system remembering. Holidays can reactivate the same dynamics that once shaped your people-pleasing, perfectionism, or anxiety.
The Hidden Stress Behind the Holiday Cheer
Even positive experiences - parties, travel, or gift-giving - can overload your system. When your schedule is packed, routines are off, and expectations are high, your nervous system doesn’t get a chance to reset.
You may notice:
Heightened anxiety or irritability
Feeling more sensitive, reactive, or tearful
Fatigue, brain fog, or a sense of shutdown
Trouble relaxing, even when you’re “off”
Loneliness or sadness, even when surrounded by others
The mix of joy and stress is normal - but when you’ve spent much of your life managing others’ emotions, it can feel especially draining.
If You’re a People-Pleaser or Over-Giver: Why It Hits Harder
For those with over-extending and fawning patterns, the holidays magnify the tension between wanting to keep the peace and needing to protect your energy.
You may find yourself:
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
Ignoring your own needs to make others comfortable
Feeling anxious about others’ moods or reactions
Hosting, planning, and coordinating everything - then feeling resentful or exhausted
Drinking or numbing to “get through it”
It’s not because you’re unhealed - it’s because this season amplifies the very dynamics you’ve been working to unlearn.
The Pressure to Feel Joy (Even When You Don’t)
We live in a culture that romanticizes the holidays - every commercial, movie, and social media post tells us we should feel happy, connected, and full of holiday spirit.
So when you don’t - when you feel anxious, sad, irritable, or just flat - it’s easy to assume something’s wrong with you.
But there isn’t.
It’s normal to have mixed emotions during this time of year. You can be grateful for what you have and still feel grief for what’s missing. You can look forward to certain moments while also dreading others.
The expectation to feel joyful can actually deepen your distress - because when joy feels forced, you end up feeling even more disconnected. Especially for people who’ve spent years putting on a brave face, the holidays can become another performance of “I’m fine.”
Grief, Loss, and the Weight of Memory
The holidays can also illuminate what’s missing.
Maybe you’ve lost a loved one and the empty chair feels heavier this year.
Maybe you’re mourning a relationship that ended, a friendship that faded, or the version of family you wish you had.
Or maybe you’re grieving something less tangible - a sense of belonging, safety, or simplicity you never got to experience.
Even if life looks “good,” the holidays can awaken old sadness. You may feel an ache you can’t quite name - a mix of nostalgia, longing, and grief for the way things could have been.
Allowing yourself to feel that grief - instead of rushing to gratitude - is an act of compassion. It’s okay if this season feels heavy. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful; it means you’re human.
Tips to Stay Grounded and Boundaried This Holiday Season
1. Name What Feels Hard - and Normalize It.
You don’t need to pretend the holidays are all joy. Allow space for the both/and: both gratitude and grief, both connection and stress. Awareness reduces shame and helps you respond, not react.
2. Prepare for Triggers Ahead of Time.
Think through potential stressors: certain relatives, questions, situations, or time limits. Decide in advance how you’ll respond or what boundary you’ll hold. You can even script a few lines - “That’s not something I want to get into today, but thanks for asking” - so you’re not caught off guard.
3. Create Small, Protective Boundaries.
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. It could mean:
Leaving early when you’re overstimulated
Saying no to hosting or gifting beyond your budget
Taking breaks alone to reset your nervous system
Limiting alcohol if it disconnects you from yourself
Boundaries aren’t about being mean or rude, they’re about self-protection.
4. Keep a Thread of Your Routine.
Even small acts of consistency anchor your nervous system. Bring your journal, go for a walk, meditate in the morning, or listen to your calming playlist before bed. A few minutes of self-regulation goes a long way.
5. Don’t Abandon Your Own Needs.
People-pleasers often lose themselves in the swirl of others’ expectations. Pause and ask: What do I need right now? Rest? Space? Support? Permission to not be “on”? Giving yourself what you need - even if it’s uncomfortable - is a form of healing.
6. Have Emotional Support Ready.
If you can, schedule a therapy session before or after the holidays. Check in with a close friend or partner who “gets it.” Let someone know what you’re anticipating so you don’t carry it alone. Support isn’t indulgent - it’s essential.
A Final Reminder
You don’t have to perform this holiday season.
You don’t have to prove your worth through giving, hosting, or being “fine.”
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
You are allowed to prioritize your needs this year.
The holidays may always bring some level of stress - but with awareness, boundaries, and self-compassion, they can also bring something else: clarity, healing, and a deeper connection to yourself.
About the author
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety,
codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share a free nervous system workbook, mental health tips, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
